


If We Can Land A Man On The Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart

by SORD



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog, Post-SBurb AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-09-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-23 08:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/248428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SORD/pseuds/SORD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelve years after SBurb, Jade Harley has 23 hours to clean the guest bedroom and figure out what trolls eat. Meanwhile, Dave Strider throws a tantrum and John Egbert plans the perfect prank.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I feel like Sollux and Jade would really get along post sburb/sgrub whatever. Jade's a lot like Feferi, Sollux is a lot like Dave, and they're both super smart and kind of isolated from everyone around them. 
> 
> This is the weirdest ship I have ever shipped. Shipping.

TG: so you've been cybering with the lisping alien hacker  
TG: for twelve years   
GG: he doesnt lisp anymore, his teeth grew back normal!!   
TG: and youre telling me now because   
GG: because it wasnt.........................   
TG: time   
GG: ..............................   
TG: time   
GG: ...................   
TG: time then shades   
GG: ..........   
TG: time   
GG: ...............   
TG: time/shades lets go   
GG: .......  
GG: ....  
GG: ...   
TG: oh my fucking god   
GG: ..  
GG: .  
GG: time 8)  
GG: to tell you, i mean  
GG: it wasnt the right time to tell you i guess  
GG: i didnt think it would matter to you!!   
TG: well  
TG: maybe it does  
TG: maybe youre not my ghost slime goth witch sister niece onetime incestuous love interest  
TG: but if you remember  
TG: we just like saved the world together  
TG: this one time  
TG: perhaps you recall  
TG: cloning up some frogs  
TG: your ghost slime brother getting stabbed like six times or whatever  
TG: your ghost slime cousin sex god idol friendbro dying like innumerable times  
TG: you wouldnt recall that sorry  
TG: you werent in those timelines  
TG: i was though  
TG: dying  
TG: for you jade  
TG: always for you  
TG: so you would someday get laid without resorting to transdimentional booty calls   
GG: okay!!!!!!!  
GG: i get it, i should have told you!!  
GG: dont be a dick  
GG: and we havent been cybering, and it is not a booty call!  
GG: i dont even know what that is  
GG: booty call, i mean, i know what cybering is   
TG: fuck dont tell me that jade  
TG: i know that rose has seen some serious shit  
TG: ive read her horrifying slash fics  
TG: ive seen that two thousand yard fandom stare she gets  
TG: she half-sleeps at night and ships old ass wizards all day  
TG: but youre the only pure and good thing i got left now that egbert is railing that deplorable female  
TG: please dont tell me you got your sex ed when you webcamd with some internet wannabe humbert humbert  
TG: i couldnt handle it   
GG: daaaaaaave  
GG: shut up  
GG: youre not as funny as you think you are!!  
GG: i learned about cybering the same way you did, fox newscasts  
GG: just because i know what it is doesnt mean i do it!  
GG: and dont be jealous! you know i love you the most  
GG: forever and always  
GG: ill always be your bro dave, no matter what kind of dipshit things you say!  
GG: ^_^   
TG: i wish nepeta never taught you that smiley  
TG: every time i see it i reach for the razor  
TG: lil cal has to grab it from me  
TG: otherwise its up the river not cross the bridge  
TG: goodnight sweet prince  
TG: or goodnight sweet witch which sounds pretty shitty  
TG: goodnight sweet knight would be ok   
GG: dave oh my god  
GG: shut up!!!!!!!!! >:(   
TG: thanks for interrupting my soliloquy  
TG: how else is the audience supposed to relate to me  
TG: im now some kind of horrible antihero and everyone is rooting for me to be eaten by my own hubris   
GG: omg i cant even deal with this right now  
GG: stop   
TG: cant stop   
GG: stop   
TG: wont stop   
GG: stop   
TG: ok guess ill stop tell me though how long have you been all up in his grill   
GG: stop  
GG: stop  
GG: stop  
GG: sorry i was just copy-pasting  
GG: and i havent been up in his grill :(  
GG: thats means mouth, right?  
GG: how could i get in his mouth over the internet, dave!  
GG: RIDDLE ME THAT, FUCKASS!!!!   
TG: ok sorry troll messiah ill get right on that   
GG: im sorry, i didnt mean go all karkat at you  
GG i am just so sick of people misunderstanding!  
GG: first john and then rose and now you  
GG: not to mention bec  
GG: and grandpa   
TG: wow  
TG: didnt realize you were getting it from all angles  
TG: kind of shitty  
TG: esp from your grandad isnt he dead and stuffed on your mantle or some shit   
GG: well he looks at me disapprovingly from the mantle!  
GG: and its not like ive done anything!  
GG: i didnt even ask him to visit, it was all his idea  
GG: it could be totally platonic for all you know   
TG: thats not what terezi smells   
GG: does she know how your FACE smells????   
TG: i hope so she licked it enough  
TG: its prob different now that i got to shave though  
TG: barbasol changes everything jade  
TG: everything   
GG: dave i do not even care a little about your face and its hair!!  
GG: i just wanted you to wish me luck!  
GG: this that so much to ask?   
TG: ok my darling paradox fate wife  
TG: good luck  
TG: when he breaks your heart ill be here waiting   
GG: oh my god dave shut up!!!  
GG: the next time i see you i am going to shoot you in your stupid mouth!   
TG: too bad your devilbeast dog will send your shots into the sun  
TG: or my torso  
TG: whichever  
  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	2. Chapter 2

TA: wait what?  
TA: y0u just repaired y0ur what?   
GG: my transportalizer! i have, like, a million stairs in my house so its been really awful without it!   
TA: since when d0 y0u have a transp0rtalizer?   
GG: uh, since always?  
GG: well probably not always, but for as long as i can remember......   
TA: it t00k y0u.  
TA: alm0st six sweeps.  
TA: alm0st SIX GRUBFUCKING SWEEPS.  
TA: t0 tell me y0u have a transp0rtalizer in y0ur hive.   
GG: house   
TA: whatever, gg, that's n0t the p0int.  
TA: the p0int is i can hack that shit.  
TA: i can hack the shit 0ut 0f that shit.   
GG: really?   
TA: gg, we've been 0ver this.  
TA: h0w many c0des d0 i have?   
GG: sollux you have so many codes!!!  
GG: you probably have........  
GG: ..........   
TA: 0h my g0d.   
GG: .......  
GG: .....   
TA: i am seri0usly ab0ut t0 kill y0u and then myself in a r0mantic murder-suicide.   
GG: ...   
TA: it will be straight 0ut 0f kk's stupid r0mc0ms.   
GG: ..  
GG: .  
GG: MOST of them.   
TA: i have ALL the c0des, gg.  
TA: ALL 0f them.   
GG: hehehe   
TA: ehehehe.   
GG: but anyway  
GG: how do you know?   
TA: because i'm deliri0us bugnasty.   
GG: no i mean how do you know you can hack it??   
TA: 0h, because i hacked a wh0le bunch 0f them 0n the aster0id.  
TA: i keyed 0ne t0 each 0f us and made 0ur symb0ls all fl0ating and gl0wy ab0ve them.  
TA: it was really c00l.  
TA: pretty c00l.  
TA: i guess. it wasn't that great.   
GG: omg sollux shut up! i bet it was cool and great  
GG: i mean c00l  
GG: 0_0   
TA: 0_0   
GG: <_<;;   
TA: 0_0   
GG: ^_~   
TA: 0u0  
TA: w0w that still l00ks s0 stupid.  
TA: anyway 0k gg lets quit being m0r0ns f0r a sec0nd.  
TA: send me the captcha f0r y0ur transp0rtalizer.  
TA: right n0w.  
TA: g0 g0 g0 g0 g0.   
GG: ta quit being a nubslurping fuckpod and give me a second!!!  
GG: and i'll only send it to you if you tell me what nubslurping fuckpod means  
GG: you say it all the time and it sounds so gross but what does it even mean!!!!   
TA: it d0esn't mean anything, it's just a bunch 0f dirty w0rds strung t0gether.  
TA: and if y0u d0n't get me that captcha i am g0ing t0 sh0ve my head int0 the nearest beeh0use mainfraim and suff0cate myself in the mind h0ney.   
GG: ok geez!  
GG: all right ill go get it  
GG: pch00000   
TA: l00k i get that its t0tally c00l and hilari0us t0 make fun 0f me and my stupid typing quirk but i swear t0 g0d i am s0 cl0se t0 just flipping my shit right 0ut 0f this wh0le reality, y0u d0n't even kn0w.   
GG: uh calm down? that's it  
GG: pch00000  
GG: that's the code   
TA: 0h.  
TA: ehehehe, s0rry, i th0ught y0u were just being stupid again.   
GG: im not stupid! im very very smart and youre an idiot  
GG: im the smartest and youre just a big weirdo nerd whos in love with a bunch of dumb alien internet bees!!!!  
GG: you love your bees so much you kiss them good night and good morning every single day!  
GG: this is you: >8* <||>-  
GG: that doesn't look right  
GG: thats supposed to be you kissing a bee....   
TA: g0t it.   
GG: you did? because it doesnt look very clear to me and im the one who made it!!!   
TA: n0 i mean i alchemized myself a c0py 0f y0ur transp0rtalizer.   
GG: how do you have an alchemiter?   
TA: shenanigans is h0w.   
GG: 9_9  
GG: thats me rolling my eyes and wishing i never told you that word!!   
TA: 0k i have them linked up.  
TA: it might take a little bit t0 filter my signal thr0ugh the universes but i sh0uld be there in ab0ut five minutes.   
GG: WAIT WHAAAAAAAAT  
GG: noooo!  
GG: you cant just come over!!   
TA: what?  
TA: 0h  
TA: i th0ught  
TA: i'm s0rry, i just assumed  
TA: w0w.  
TA: s0rry.  
TA: i'm such an idi0t.  
TA: sh0uld i g0?  
TA: i'm g0nna g0 n0w.   
GG: aaaa how do you type so fast when youre blind?  
GG: give me a second to reply!!  
GG: sollux i mean you just need to give me some warning ok?  
GG: you cant just come over!   
TA: why n0t?   
GG: well, my house is a MESS for one thing   
TA: d0n't care.   
GG: bec needs a bath, he smells TERRIBLE!   
TA: d0n't care.   
GG: i need a shower, ive been gardening all day and i have dirt in my hair!!!   
TA: d0n't care.   
GG: i don't have anything for us to eat!!! and don't say d0n't care or I WILL BE SO MAD   
TA: ehehehe  
TA: 0k i guess i see y0ur p0int.  
TA: it's kind 0f sudden.  
TA: 0k right n0w i'm g0ing t0 type really fast and l0g 0ff bef0re y0u can say n0.  
TA: i will be there t0m0rr0w at this time, that sh0uld give y0u plenty 0f time t0 get ready.  
TA: 0u0

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling gardenGnostic  [GG] \--

GG: hopy shit!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to jump around a lot in terms of what happens when. Hopefully it'll make sense?
> 
> Also in my head every troll romcom has at least one hilarious/romantic murder suicide.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eleven years earlier

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TA: why d0es she talk t0 y0u?   
GG: what?  
GG: who?   
TA: ff.  
TA: why d0es she talk t0 y0u?  
TA: why w0n't she see me?  
TA: i sleep and sleep and i meet EVERY0NE in the dream bubbles, even the 0nes wh0 are still alive, even y0u stupid fucking shithead humans but i never meet HER and she's the 0nly 0ne i want t0 see.   
GG: do you mean feferi?   
TA: 0f c0urse i mean feferi, wh0 else w0uld i be talking ab0ut?  
TA: why w0n't she see me?  
TA: she never MET y0u.  
TA: she d0esn't KN0W y0u.  
TA: why d0es she want t0 talk t0 y0u and n0t me?   
GG: uh  
GG: i don't know???  
GG: you're sollux, right?  
GG: i mean  
GG: she's mentioned you...   
TA: 0h great, thanks, she's menti0ned me.  
TA: that makes me feel a l0t better.  
TA: she menti0ned me but she's been av0iding me f0r alm0st half a sweep and i  
TA: whatever.  
TA: i get it.  
TA: she d0esn't give a shit, well i d0n't either.   
GG: im pretty sure that's not it!  
GG: shes always talking about how great you are,  
GG: and how youre so smart  
GG: and sweet  
GG: and how much she misses you   
TA: well if she misses me s0 much why is she glubbing away fr0m me whenever i fall asleep?  
TA: why did she ch00se s0me stupid pink m0nkey 0ver me?  
TA: what the fuck d0 y0u have that i d0n't have?   
GG: i don't know!!!  
GG: im sorry  
GG: i wish i could help  
GG: do you want me to ask her?   
TA: 0h great charity fr0m the l0wer life f0rms.  
TA: why d0n't i just get a fucking cr0akbeast t0 fucking c0ach me thr0ugh afterlife r0mance.  
TA: d0 y0u literally have shit f0r brains like kk says?   
GG: omg never mind  
GG: youre a jerk and if you want me to help you forget it!  
GG: im going to block you now  
GG: bye   
TA: n0 d0n't.  
TA: i'm s0rry.  
TA: can y0u just talk t0 her f0r me?  
TA: tell her i miss her?  
TA: i just want t0  
TA: i just  
TA: i miss her s0 much and she just w0n't TALK t0 me and i feel like i'm g0ing crazy with0ut her.   
GG: im sorry  
GG: ill talk to her but i think if shes made up her mind she probably won't change it?  
GG: but ill try to help  
GG: in the meantime if theres anything i can do?  
GG: i can maybe listen?  
GG: i mean if you need someone to talk to   
TA: why w0uld y0u even b0ther?  
TA: why d0 y0u give a shit?   
GG: well i kind of dont right now  
GG: but maybe i will?  
GG: who knows?  
GG: im willing to listen if you want to talk  
GG: and ill talk to feferi for you if you want  
GG: i know what its like to lose someone you love   
TA: what d0es "l0ve" mean?   
GG: ...  
GG: ....................  
GG: omg  
GG: D:  
GG: i think thats the saddest thing ive ever heard


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> interlude (dreamtime)

\-- BEGIN DREAMLOG --  
\-- Feferi Peixes  [CC] began glubbing with Jade Harley [GG] \--

CC: )(i Jade!!!  
GG: hi feferi!!  
GG: how are you doing?  
CC: o)( you know, pretty glubbing BOR-ED as usual!  
CC: O)(!!!!!!!  
CC: I FOUND ---------ERIDAN!!  
GG: oh man!  
GG: did you punch him?  
CC: no wave!  
CC: i GUTT-------ED )(IM WIT)( MY CULLING FORK!!!!!!  
CC: and t)(en I STRANGL---ED )(IM WIT)( )(IS OWN INNARDS!!!!!!!  
CC: )(--E-E )(--E-E )(--E-E!!!!  
CC: but now we're fronds again.  
CC: it's all water under t)(e bridge!  
CC: )(e's reely sorry about w)(at )(e did and )(e's trying to mako peace wit)( )(is anenomes.  
GG: ugh feferi i TOLD you about the fish puns!!  
GG: half of them don't make sense  
GG: and some of them are really bizarre because you don't even HAVE those fish on alternia?  
GG: like the mako shark, do you have that?  
CC: W-E-ELL  
CC: i've never glubbed too muc)( about w)(at species are w)(at?  
CC: it's s)(rimply a load of scallops if you bass me!!  
CC: )(-E-E )(-E-E!!  
GG: bluh  
GG: i've haddock enough of this  
GG: it's time you shoaleder some respawnsibility  
GG: admit it  
GG: your puns are pretty crappie!  
CC: JAD------E!!  
CC: i've never sean fis)( bass-cet of your personality!  
CC: so fintriguing!  
CC: and i am finding your puns abs)(oalutely brinebriating!  
GG: omg  
GG: can we please stop?  
GG: i spent all week thinking of those and if i have to think of more i'll forget what i wanted to talk to you about!  
CC: )(a)(a)(a ok!  
CC: no problem!  
CC: i can quit W)(-EN-EV-ER!  
GG: ok thanks  
GG: <3  
CC: 38*  
GG: oh  
GG: you're friends with a guy named sollux, right?  
CC: 38O  
CC: sollux?  
CC: IS )(-E OKAY?  
CC: DID SOM---EFIN )(APP--EN TO MY SOLLUX???  
GG: omg  
GG: hes fine you lunatic  
GG: he wants to know why you won't see him  
CC: 38(  
CC: I can't.  
CC: It's too )(ard.  
CC: I don't know )(ow to explain it so t)(at )(e'd understand and it would only make )(im sad.  
GG: oh  
GG: so what do you want me to tell him?  
GG: he wont stop bugging me until i talk to you  
CC: tell )(im I'm too sick to sea )(im!  
GG: feferi youre not sick  
GG: youre dead  
CC: well I KNOW t)(at, STUPID!  
CC: just keep an eye on )(im for me, I guess?  
CC: and tell )(im I'm sorry.  
CC: I'd be GROUPER GRATEFUL!!  
GG: feferi!!!  
GG: you are THE ABSOLUTE WORST  
GG: but ok  
GG: i guess  
GG: but hes kind of a douche!  
CC: I know, isn't it CUT-E?  
CC: T)(ANKS, JAD-E!!  
CC: YOU are t)(e absoute BEST!  
CC: for S)(ORE!!!  
CC: no conc)(test!  
GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
CC: ok you're going to wake up now!  
CC: sea you next time!  
  
\--Jade Harley [GG] ceased glubbing with Feferi Peixes [CC] \--  
\--END DREAMLOG [reason: JADE HARLEY exited dreambubble.]--  



	5. Chapter 5

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: hey rose  
TG: Hi, Dave.  
TT: It's good to hear from you again.  
TT: And to what do I owe this sudden communiqué?  
TG: well i just talked to jade  
TG: about her ridiculous plan  
TG: Is this about Sollux?  
TT: I don't think it's actually a "plan," per se.  
TT: More of a "spontaneous visit."  
TG: whatever you got to talk her out of it  
TG: that dudes a douche and shes gonna get hurt and its wont be pretty  
TG: she doesnt listen to me but if you toss some purple text and capital letters at her i think shell probably wise up  
TG: Capitalization does carry quite a lot of weight in our small circle, doesn't it?  
TG: yeah keep on high fiving yourself for typing like a grandma  
TG: congrats  
TG: anyway i just think this whole thing is a really bad idea  
TG: and we should stop it  
TG: for her sake  
TG: Ah.  
TG: ah what  
TG: there is no ah  
TG: It's just an "ah," Dave.  
TT: It doesn't have to signify anything.  
TG: everything signifies with you  
TG: youre like queen signification  
TG: you sit there nodding sagely and tapping your pen against your legal pad  
TG: all ahing like you know what i think and why i think it  
TG: who the fuck to you think you are  
TG: some kind of afterlife judge weighing my texts against my sins  
TG: hey check me out im rose lalonde  
TG: i sit and snoop through your soul and hold up some chintzy fucking scales  
TG: on one side is a feather and on the other is a weighty tome of utter bullshit  
TG: comprised of my baseless assumptions and faux shrink opinions about how you should have lived your life  
TG: if the feather weighs more you win a new car  
TG: its a shitty station wagon  
TG: presented by a grinning skeleton in an evening gown  
TG: if my worthless psychological conjectures tip the balance i get to sit and pat myself on the back  
TG: all sphinxlike and inscrutable  
TG: epitomizing the insufferable broad  
TG: Dave, why are you so angry at me?  
TT: Also, 'sphinxlike' is a good word.  
TT: So is 'epitomizing'.  
TG: jesus christ quit being such a martyr  
TG: . . .  
TT: So, after twenty-odd years you've finally grasped the concept of irony.  
TT: Well done.  
TT: Now are you just going to insult me with roundabout Greco-Egyptian mythical metaphors for the rest of our conversation?  
TT: Or are you going to behave like a reasonable human being?  
TT: Because as much as I'd like to repair this rift between us I will not sit by while you wax poetic on my many failings.  
TT: For some strange reason I don't enjoy having poison poured into my ear.  
TG: oh thats rich  
TG: like you dont go around dripping ichor  
TG: all caustic and judgemental  
TG: You are very, very good at being unkind, Dave.  
TG: good to know i can do something right  
TG: Dave, please stop.  
TG: ok whatever i said what i want to say im done talking to you  
TG: peace

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: hi dave!  
EB: hope you're feeling ok.  
EB: rose said you were pretty upset and i just wanted to say you can always talk to me if you need to.  
EB: i know that i give you a lot of shit sometimes but you're really important to me!  
EB: to all of us!  
EB: actually, i wish you'd talk to me in general.  
EB: it's been like three weeks.  
EB: i miss you, buddy!  
EB: it looks like you're not going to answer.  
EB: maybe you forgot to log out or something.  
EB: i'll quit leaving you sappy messages but you'd better text me or something because my birthday is coming up and it won't be the same without some rambling strider horseshit clogging my inbox.  
EB: talk to you later!  
EB: oh wait, i just remembered why i messaged you in the first place!  
EB: i wanted to tell you that you should be nicer to rose.  
EB: because if you ever make my girlfriend cry again i will come to your house and kick your fucking ass.  
EB: i am not joking.  
EB: ok dave, take care!  
EB: bye! 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops are we in a whole other story right now  
> no  
> this story is now jade/sollux shipping and snippy dersefights
> 
> also if anyone is interested i'm miraclemodus on tumblr


End file.
